The Other Story

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

We often overlook people that we don’t think are that interesting, that cool or that much like us. Sometimes it is someone we see every day at school and sometimes it is someone we only see once a year. But when we take the time to stop and listen, we are reminded of how powerful someone’s story can be. We see that our preconceived notions and judgments weren’t just wrong, they were harmful. And not just to the person we have left out. To us as well. Because when we judge and label, we miss out. But when we sit and open our ears to the deep message of someone else’s life, we allow ourselves to see what God has done, learning something new about them and ourselves.

2. Be a Student of Your Student

Think back to your days in high school. Do you remember your class and the students who were a part of your school being referred to as the “student community” or the “student body”? When the principal or a teacher addressed you and your peers at a school-wide event, do you remember them addressing you as a whole, as a unit, where everyone was a part of the same group—where freshman through seniors, even though into different things and obviously varying in age, were all grouped together as a community of students? This may have been the norm 20, maybe even 10, years ago. But student groups have changed dramatically in the last couple of decades.

            Maybe when you were in high school there were “cliques,” or groups of students who paired up and hung out. Even though there may have been different types of cliques (the popular kids, the jocks, the nerds) there was still an idea of crossing lines and possibly being a part of more than one group. But today’s kids are in a very different friendship culture. For today’s students, friends aren’t just the people you hang out with, friends are a way of life—for many students, friends are as important as family, if not more important. These “clusters” of students serve as a supposed protection as students navigate the difficult terrain of middle school and high school. As Chap Clark mentions in Hurt 2.0:

Today, the cluster is a family with a set of respected and controlled expectations, loyalties and values. Sometimes the flag for a cluster is a similar interest, but what gives a cluster its power is a common, almost tribalistic bond and unifying social narrative (a grand story that gives meaning and cohesiveness to the cluster and defines who is in and who is out). This bond is the hallmark of the social group that nearly all midadolescents (ages 14-20) will rely on through out their high school life.

The inability during midadolescence to balance disappointment over specific events, people, or institutions by separating the good from the bad drives the intense need for a safe place. Midadolescents gather in like-minded groups to protect themselves from the forces they perceive as alien to them. This is the main reason clusters have replaced cliques in today’s adolescent social economy: adolescents believe they have no alternative (61).

See, what used to be a cohesive unit known as the “student body” or “student community” is now a divided array of clusters in which students feel that they live, move and find their identity. The assumed protection of the cluster not only serves to lock students into a particular group, but can also hinder their ability and courage to branch out and meet people who might be different than they are for fear of rejection—both from the intended friend as well as from the cluster group they are associated with. As parents, we can encourage students to put themselves in social situations that expand their experience and give them opportunities to meet different types of people, such as service-oriented projects, church groups, extra-curricular activities, etc. But remember, things aren’t the way they used to be so we need to be understanding and gentle in our nudging, recognizing the loyalty that our students have to their friends and the unspoken tension that stepping outside of that cluster can present.

3. Action Point

It can be hard for all of us, teens and adults, to branch out and take the time to get to know someone we wouldn’t normally give a second thought to. Sometimes these opportunities come because we have intentionally sought out someone outside of our normal routine who caught our attention. And sometimes people are put in our path with no planning on our part and we have a life-changing encounter. For this Parent Cue, talk to your son or daughter about a time that you had an unlikely encounter with someone who changed you—maybe because of who they were or maybe because of the story you heard. Encourage your teen that sometimes when we take the time to get to know people who are different, we often learn more about ourselves in the process. Ask your teenager if they have ever had a similar experience. If so, how did it change them?

© 2011 Orange. All rights reserved.

 Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Small Group Night Locations

ATTENTION!!  This week (8/26) The Edge will not be meeting as it normally does.  Instead we are having our first ever “Small Group Night.”  For the past 3 weeks we have been in a series called “New Friend Request” and we have been discussing the importance, wisdom, and challenges of friendships.  So what better way to wrap up this series than to build deeper friendships in our small groups.

Check out the information below to figure out when and where your student needs to be dropped off.  Some groups are meeting at the church while other groups are meeting in leaders’ homes.  Your student should know which small group they are in.  But if they don’t, our groups are split by grade and gender, so feel free to pick the one that fits their grade and gender group.  Check out the details for each group below!

6^th Grade Guys Group:  Paul Behnke

7^th Grade Guys Group: Shaun Stokes and John Woodhull

8^th Grade Guys Group: Jordan Hurlburt and Eric Smugala

8^th Grade Guys Group: Frank Jury and James Fraundorf

6^th Grade Girls Group:  Nicki Behnke

7^th Grade Girls Group:  Morgan Deich and Anna Lindberg

7^th Grade Girls Group:  Patty Thalacker

7^th Grade Girls Group: Mary Gonstead and Caitlin Mead

8^th Grade Girls Group: Joy Gulotta and Ava Vradenburg

8^th Grade Girls Group: Krina Fenske and Jenni Tomsen

Imagining the End

Here is a devotional that can help you to pick your head up, get out of “lizard brain” and ask critical questions about where your family is going and how your student is being developed as your child.  Think about it and spend some time reflecting on the questions.

The Family Drift

By Tim Walker

My wife is the kind of person who always asks big questions—usually at times that blindside me and knock me unconscious. For example, the other day, she asked me, “What’s important for us as a family?”

Not, “What do you want for dinner?” or “Do we have money to buy the boys some shoes?” (It seems like we’re always buying shoes.)

Nope, it was “What’s important for us as a family?”

Now my first reaction was, “What? Are you kidding me?” I mean, I’m an analytical person. I think a lot—sometimes too much. But I have so much stuff I’m already thinking about that I don’t have time for a question like this. It just requires too much effort. In fact, it makes my head hurt a little bit.

But there was something about her question that wasn’t so easy to dismiss. I have a son in middle school, two more in elementary. I’m realizing every day just how quickly time is passing and I’m also realizing that there are some things I want to make sure my boys learn and know before I start losing my audience with them.

I know I have a few years before the oldest moves out, but the reality is that someday he will and it will come much faster than I think. Someday he’ll walk into adulthood. And it’s important for me to prioritize the knowledge and experiences he needs in order to move forward confidently.

That may or may not happen if we keep moving in the direction we currently are. Our schedule is crazy. Our time at home is disjointed with everyone doing his or her own thing. And the reality is that without intentionality, our family will always drift along. Our tendency will always be to drift towards disconnection and randomness. My kids are not always going to just instinctively learn things from me. Sometimes it requires me putting time and energy into helping them learn those things—whether it’s how to read the Bible, make a budget, how to do laundry or how to change a tire. Sometimes it means that I let them face some consequences that I want to save them from.

For example, we were a little reluctant on the whole cell phone thing for my middle schooler. He doesn’t really talk on the phone very much, and he really only needs a phone occasionally. So we bought him one of those pay as you go phones. He has to pay to add minutes or text time to his phone. And the phone company requires that he adds to that balance every couple of months.

One weekend, he was on a retreat with our youth group. I needed to get in touch with him so I sent him a number of text messages. We talked back and forth, and while I was talking with him, I realized that I was using up his precious minutes.

My first instinct was to be generous and maybe swoop in and buy him some more minutes. But then I caught myself. I knew that if I did that, he would expect anytime I talked with him to be reimbursed. And that was not a precedent I wanted to set. So despite my “dad saves the day” intentions, I decided to just let it go and not say a thing. I would have loved to show him generosity, he’s a great kid. But I also knew that part of what makes him great and will continue to make him great is his sense of responsibility.

So what’s most important to your family? Think about it. Take a week and marinate on that. What do you want your child to walk into adulthood with? Beyond a diploma or a scholarship, what does he or she need to know to get to where he or she needs to grow? The reality is that unless it’s on your “to do” list, it won’t happen—and even then, you are going to have to work at making it happen. I know, it shouldn’t be that way, but it is. So how are the decisions, experiences and wisdom you are giving your child preparing him or her for the future?

Imagine the end. You’ll always be a parent. You’ll always be a part of your child’s life. But there will come a time when your “parenting” will end, when he or she will be making their own choices without your guidance or input. What does your child need when they get there? What are the important things you made sure they knew or experienced along the way to arrive at that point?

It may mean that you sacrifice some time on your part. It may mean that you make your child do something that he or she complains about the whole time. But when you are intentional about imagining the end, a few years from now, you’ll feel like you’ve done what you need to do to prepare your child for adulthood. It doesn’t mean you were perfect at it, but it does mean that instead of drifting, you steered your child in the right direction.

© 2010 Orange. All rights reserved. 

A conversation with my mom

Last week I took my mom out for breakfast for her birthday.  I have never done this before and it was absolutely amazing.  We sat there and talked for hours.  We had never had very many one on one conversations and this one was just special.  We talked about work, life, church and family.  About an hour in the conversation took a turn for the best.  My mom began to share with me her faith story.  She shared with me about her struggles in middle and high school to have a relationship with God because she doubted that he was even real.  Then she shared about the day in her dorm room in college when she realized just what it meant to “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness”  and fully surrender to him.  It was one of the most beautiful stories I have ever heard and this was one of the most impactful conversations I have had in my adult life.

Have you ever shared your faith story with your student?  How did that make you feel?  If not, why not?  What makes you afraid about sharing about your journey with your student?  Are you afraid to be vulnerable with them?  Are you afraid of what they will think?  Are you afraid that if they knew you struggled in your relationship with God that it will give them an excuse to not have everything figured out?  Are you afraid that your story isn’t interesting, important, or amazing?  How did my story make you feel about your relationship with your student and your journey together?

Take some time to reflect.  Feel free to share your thoughts below in the comments section.  Take some time to share your story with your student and let us know how things went.  Let’s journey together as we journey with our students.

Fun with Baby Pictures

I was thinking about what I could do for a game for this Wednesday at The Edge and thought about a mildly embarrassing and fun game, but I need your help.  I need baby pictures of your child.  This is a trivia game to see if the group can guess who’s baby picture belongs to who.  This is your opportunity to embarrass your child without even being at The Edge.  We just want to have a little bit of fun.  If your student would get embarrassed to the point of being traumatized then I don’t want to go that far.  You know your child best, if this will hurt them please don’t respond.  Send your pictures to paulbehnke@jacobswellec.org by Wednesday at 3pm.  This is a top secret mission, so don't mention it to your students! We want to surprise them! Have fun!